


If I Could Be Who You Wanted

by FluffyHetalianGuitarist, MissCinnabonRoll



Series: Adventures with the Provinces! [1]
Category: Hetalia - Fandom, Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: AU, Anxiety, College AU, Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, but that didn't work, i don't care if you read this, i will torture them, i'll link the owner's acct, lots of AUs, probably, read it if you want, the other one (sad irony) was for Europe mostly, the states aren't mine, things get worse before they get better, this is so i have somewhere to store my province/state drabbles, trigger warning, tw anxiety, tw eating disorders, tw panic attack, tw trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-03-13 14:56:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13572951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyHetalianGuitarist/pseuds/FluffyHetalianGuitarist, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissCinnabonRoll/pseuds/MissCinnabonRoll
Summary: http://archiveofourown.org/users/MissArcticFox/pseuds/MissArcticFox  << that person right there is the one who made the states, not me. she has a work that explains each of the states really loosely, so check it out if you're even confused. (i swear i'll get around to making an OC catalogging work someday)this is just a place to store my drabbles with the provinces and states! you can read it, if you want, you can comment if you want, and heck, i'll even take requests.i'll also be putting sections from a literate RP with MissArcticFox into here so sometimes the characters may seem different, but that's because I don't know how exactly they'd react to everything oops





	1. 1AM Snack Run (College AU)

**Author's Note:**

> hi i enjoy making people suffer so please read my thing i dunno i'm tired

(College AU)

 

“Nicholas!”

“What?!”

“Where’s all my chips?!”

“Don’t ask me!”

“Jackson?”

“Nope!”

“Cedric…”

“Oh- Oh no, were those yours?!” Cedric sweatdrops as Din tugs at her hair. “What am I supposed to eat now?” “Healthy food, something less fattening…” Nicholas suggests, but this just gets a glare in response. “I’m hungry, and this Socials homework is due in a few hours!” She whines, throwing herself onto the couch in an overdramatic fashion. Jackson just chuckles, shaking his head. 

“Now that you mention it, Blake does need more food…” 

“And I’m all out of pancake mix, yknow, for those days when I don’t feel like making pancakes from scratch?” 

“You have days like that?”

“Sure!” 

“Whatever, I guess we’re going out.” Din says with a heavy sigh. “At one in the morning?” Cedric asks, yawning. “But I was just about asleep when you called me…” “Well, don’t eat all my chips next time, and we won’t have this problem.” “Ughh…” Cedric stands up and stretches, shaking his head and running his hands through his hair. 

Jackson sighs and clicks his tongue, and Blake comes running over. “We’re not taking the dog.” Din says firmly, and Jackson’s face falls. “Why not?” “Because-“ “Because watching Din will be hard enough, we don’t need another energetic child to watch.” Nicholas deadpans, earning a smack upside the head from the Quebecker. “Shut up.” She grumbles, stretching and pointing to the door. “Now, let’s go!” She exclaims, and the four head out the door, but not before Jackson gives Blake one last pat.

*20 minutes later*

“Faster, Nicholas!”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure! Now-gooooo faster!” Din commands, turning around and pointing ahead of them. Nicholas started to run, pushing the cart that was carrying the Quebecois woman. “Hey, Din! Are we good for maple syrup?” Cedric calls from in one of the aisles. “Probably-“ Nicholas starts, only to be cut off by Din. “Nooooope!~ Never! We always need more!” She sings, grinning widely and looking back to the New Yorker with a smirk.

“Which flavor of chips is it you like?” Nicholas asks, slowing down and scanning the aisle they were in- the candy, chips, and pop aisle. “All of them!” “Which ones did you run out of, then?” “… A-“ “If you say all of them, I’m not going to push you anymore.” “…” “Oh… That’s right, you ran out of sour cream and onion, right?” “Oui…” Din sulks, pulling her knees to her chest and pouting.

“Why is it that the only people who ever visit at this time of night are college students…? And why do they have to be so loud?” Katherine asks herself, sighing heavily.

“Marco!” Din calls. “Polo!” Jackson replies, chuckling. “Left!” Din commands from somewhere in the store, and Nicholas (with Din still in the cart, holding onto much junk food) turns into the aisle where Cedric and Jackson were. Din jumps out of the cart, popping up next to the two other men. “Quebecois maple syrup… Quebecois maple syrup… Quebecois maple syrup- A-ha!” Din pulls a bottle from the shelf, holding it up triumphantly.

“Good God…” “How did you find it so quickly?” “I know quality maple syrup when I see it! Or smell it.” The Quebecker says with a smirk. Jackson just chuckles, while Nicholas looks done with everything at this point. “How many are we getting?” Cedric asks, holding out 2 more bottles. “Uh… 5 or 6, let’s say.” “Are you insane?! That would do any 4 normal people at least 3 years!” Nicholas exclaims, giving Din an incredulous look. “We’re not any 4 normal people, are we?” She asks with a smirk, throwing another 3 bottles of maple syrup into the cart. “Now… What about instant noodles?” Jackson asks, quirking an eyebrow. 

“Right… You go get some, and we’ll head to the checkout!” Din decides, jumping back into the cart (but carefully, so as not to crush any of the foods) and pointing in the direction of the checkout. “Go!” She commands, and Nicholas (reluctantly) starts heading there. “I’ll catch up in a second!” Cedric calls, still looking through the condiment aisle.

*half an hour later*

“I can’t believe you spent 150$ on junk…” Nicholas mumbles, looking over to Din, who was happily munching on her chips. “And I can’t believe you only bought 4$ worth of chocolate. So we’re both in shock.” She replies, smirking. “There is one thing I’m wondering, though…” “Yeah?”

“Where are Cedric and Jackson?”

“…”

“Oh, shit.”

 

(Word count: 750)


	2. Provinces (bare basics)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello these are my babies and i did not steal any names you have no proof

1P Provinces!

 

BC: Katherine Williams  
Age: 22  
Gender: Female

Alberta: Ethan Williams  
Age: 22  
Gender: Male

Saskatchewan: Levi Cohen  
Age: 21  
Gender: Male

Manitoba: Emma Tremblay/Williams  
Age: 20  
Gender: Demigirl

Ontario: William Alexander Thompson  
Age: 23  
Gender: Male

Quebec: Lanayru LeBlanc  
Age: 23  
Gender: Female

New Brunswick: Lydia Allain  
Age: 22  
Gender: Female

Nova Scotia: Nova Adamore  
Age: 22  
Gender: Male

Prince Edward Island: Liam O’Neil  
Age: 20  
Gender: Male

Newfoundland: David McLaughlin  
Age: 23  
Gender: Male

Labrador: Emily Dufont  
Age: 20  
Gender: Female

2P Provinces!

 

BC: Melissa Williams  
Age: 22  
Gender: Female

Alberta: Lucas Williams  
Age: 22  
Gender: Demiboy

Saskatchewan: Logan Cohen  
Age: 21  
Gender: Male

Manitoba: Millicent Tremblay/Williams  
Age: 20  
Gender: Female

Ontario: Shane Thompson  
Age: 23  
Gender: Male

Quebec: Eldin Marceline LeBlanc  
Age: 23  
Gender: Female

New Brunswick: Rosalie Allain  
Age: 22  
Gender: Female

Nova Scotia: Scott Adamore  
Age: 22  
Gender: Male

Prince Edward Island: Thomas O’Neil  
Age: 20  
Gender: Male

Newfoundland: Jacob McLaughlin  
Age: 23  
Gender: Male

Labrador: Sadie Dufont  
Age: 20  
Gender: Female

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to know anything else about them please ask! or you may never find shit out!!  
> Din is a full vampire  
> that is all  
> please ask me questions i'm lonely


	3. What Have I Become?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> welp have some backstory while the state meeting is being written  
> so basically everyone gets temporarily muted except Melissa who suffers from being permanently mute now  
> i hope you feel bad for her b/c she did nothing to deserve this i'm just a bad human being

“Alright guys!” Melissa called, standing at the end of the table. She hit a book on the table, and silence fell over the room. “Time for the meeting to start, or we’ll sit and chat forever.” She says with a smile. Shane just gives a snort, muttering something to himself as Rosalie flinches.

“Can you not?” Millicent turns to Shane, giving him a look. He just rolls his eyes, turning to Melissa. “So, the issues on the table at the moment…” She looks down to some papers, humming. 

“The Olympics are still widely celebrated, despite having been held over 4 months ago in Vancouver-“ Callum let out a cheer, grinning crookedly. Melissa just rolled her eyes playfully, shaking her head. “And apparently Justin Trudeau said something that offended you, Lucas…?” 

“Yes! He said that Albertans controlling the community and everything, that doesn’t work! He said he’d rather have Quebeckers doing it!” He gives Din a pointed look. The redhead shoots him a glare in response, and Melissa sweatdrops. “Alright, Lucas, please don’t rile up Din.”

“And… The flooding in Saskatchewan. Specifically, in the southern parts.” “It’s getting pretty-“ Logan sneezes, glaring at nothing in particular. “… Pretty bad. I’m even getting sick from it…” “Yes, we noticed.” Scott says with an irritated sigh. 

“Can you just, I don’t know, not be a jerk for once?” Din snaps, looking up to the other province with a crease in her brow. Scott frowns. “You’re one to talk, Eldin, all you do at these meetings is snap at people for arguing, which is- oh wait! Arguing.” “Stop, please!” Melissa calls, and Rosalie flinches again.

“And lastly… The recent earthquake in Quebec that even Ontario could feel. Din, Shane, are you two alright?” “Yeah, we’re fine.” Shane supplies, and Din looks up at him with a ‘what the hell’ sort of look. “Speak for yourself! My foot is broken!” She exclaims, standing- or, trying to, as she gestures to the cast on her foot and the crutches beside her chair.

“Wait, am I hearing this right? The thrill-seeking idiot is able to get hurt?” Thomas asks, looking up to Din with a smirk, his amber eye shining with a certain smugness. “What-“ “Din, please calm down-“ Melissa goes over to the Quebecois woman, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Jacob!” Millicent calls, and the Newfie looks up with half-lidded eyes. “Huh?” 

“Wake up, you old geezer!” Sadie supplies, huffing. “Sadie!” “What?!” “Don’t be disrespectful!” Melissa scolds. Shane was mimicking Melissa’s actions, smirking as Thomas snickered. “You two, stop it!” Millicent tells the two, frowning. Rosalie was cowering in her seat. “Jesus, Rosalie, it’s a wonder how you’re not dead yet, if all you do is hide from the slightest argument.” Scott criticizes, shaking his head. Within a matter of minutes, everyone was pissing off one another, even the usually cheerful Liam was arguing with Logan. Din sat there, stewing silently, until finally, she stood and slammed her hand down on the table.

“EVERYONE SHUT UP! WE CALLED THIS MEETING TO SOLVE PROBLEMS NOT TO MAKE MORE AND DWELL ON PAST GRUDGES! So SHUT IT!” She yells, her face flushing somewhat as everyone suddenly goes silent. “That’s better. Finally… Melissa, you can continue.” Din says, sitting down. But Melissa just sits in silence. She moves her mouth as though to speak, but no sound comes out. “Missy…?” She looks around. 

“Guys? You-you can talk now, I just wanted you to stop arguing…” She says quietly, but the room is silent. Shane tries to talk as well, but no sound comes out. Slowly, one by one, they all come to the same chilling conclusion.

They can’t speak.

“Guys, this isn’t funny. Say something.” Din orders nervously, but Rosalie scribbles something on a piece of paper and slides it to the redheaded woman. “No… I-I didn’t-“ Din just stares down at her hands, tears pricking at the edges of her eyes. 

“I didn’t mean to- I just wanted you to stop arguing, that’s all-“ She shakes her head frantically. “I can’t- I’m sorry…” She steps back, and disappears. The 12 provinces look at each other, and all think the same thing. 

‘What did we do?’

 

(Word count: 689)


	4. Li(f)e and Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oopsie daisy i wrote more angst so have fun  
> song used: Hurt by Johnny Cash  
> i like not capitalizing things i think it makes me look cool  
> tw for cutting (not described, only mentioned), blood, and lowkey suicidal thoughts (i think)

I hurt myself today,  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain,  
The only thing that’s real

 

Din dropped the blade into the sink, running the water. She held no expression as her arms and wrists bled heavily. She ran a finger over the blade, washing the blood off. She grabbed the nearby dish soap and scrubbed the blade, eliminating any trace of blood, and she scrubbed the sink as well.

 

The needle tears a hole,  
The old familiar sting  
Try to kill it off again  
But I remember everything

 

Her entire body was shaking- she was weak, and she knew it. But she kept on smiling. She knew that nobody would help her. No, that wasn’t true. She wouldn’t let anyone help her. Yes, that was it. She wouldn’t accept help. She decided that if she was going to suffer, she would do so silently, and not attract attention to herself.

 

What have I become,  
my sweetest friend?  
Everyone I know  
Goes away  
In the end

 

She thought back to how Shane had reacted. He was distraught, and made it a point to tell her how he felt about her actions. She didn’t care. She told him not to worry, that she couldn’t die anyways, so what was the use in him fearing for her life if she couldn’t lose it no matter how hard she tried?

 

And you can have it all,  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt

 

She thought about what she had done to everyone. Rosalie, sweet innocent Rosalie, was so concerned for Din’s well-being that she would insist she go to the hospital, even just for a check-up. She hadn’t been to a doctor’s office in decades, so why start now? Scott had never favored her, God knows this, but yet even he was visibly upset by how Din had been treating herself. But she kept telling them that she was fine, that nothing was really wrong, and that she was just feeling a little emotional.

 

I wear this crown of thorns  
Upon my liar’s chair,  
Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair

 

She dried off the blade after realizing that she had been standing there in thought for 10 minutes, the water still running. She tucked it back into the knife block, leaving the kitchen light on as she went upstairs to her room. She opened the door to the balcony, giving a wistful sigh as she looked out to the lake. It shone in such a magical way at night that even she wanted to look at it. She watched it in silence, thinking about anything that wasn’t related to her guilt. Her lies. But she couldn’t. She was trapped, thinking about everything she’d done wrong. It was always nighttime that did this to her. She always got especially upset when the sun set. She didn’t know why.

 

What have I become,  
My sweetest friend?  
Everyone I know  
Goes away  
In the end  
And you can have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt

 

Tears streamed down her face. She wasn’t sure when she had started crying. She just felt so alone, and she was afraid. Afraid of being alone, and afraid to lose everyone. She didn’t care what happened to her. She just wanted everyone she loved to be safe. Even if it meant she had to lie to them through her teeth. Her tears fell a great distance- all the way to the field below. And they didn’t stop.

 

If I could start again  
A million miles from here  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way.

 

She would give it her all, she would lie as long as she needed to, if it kept her family and her friends safe, and if it kept them from worrying, well, that was a bonus. She would keep her smile, and she would keep her head, and she would lie, saying she was fine, when she was suffering. As long as nobody else got hurt. That was all that mattered.

(word count: 659 (i think) )


	5. I'll Help You.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eating disorders get discussed, and Din bonds with her boss/new friend Nicholas  
> Nicholas is NY state, fyi  
> taken from the long-term literate RP and edited slightly  
> pls tell me if this is a good ship or not b/c i honestly kinda like it but idk if you think it's a good ship too

Din takes her hair out of its bun, shaking her head and running her hands through her hair a few times before sighing. “And what are we going to do in the meantime?” Nicholas thinks for a moment. "Well... we can just talk if you want." He says. Din stops walking for a moment to stare at the New Yorker. She doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. “… Really?” She finally asks, raising an eyebrow. She seems mildly shocked. "Hey, it's only if you want to." Nicholas shrugs. "We can have a nice chat." 

Din just puts her hands behind her head, giving a small shrug and tugging her sleeves down a little more, despite the fact that they were already down. “Sure, I guess.” She replies with a shrug. “Maybe… Not in the office, though?” She suggests after a moment. "Okay. Where then?" Nicholas asks. 

Din thinks for a moment before wordlessly grabbing Nicholas’ hand and teleporting them to an old house. It wasn’t necessarily in bad condition, but it was clear nobody had lived there in a few years. Din had taken them to the balcony, which overlooked a small field and a lake. 

“Sometimes, I come here to think. And yes, we are in Quebec.” She leans on the balcony, looking out and giving a soft sigh. “I can’t believe nobody’s tried to take this place down yet, honestly.” She hoists herself up, sitting on the balcony and swinging her legs over, still looking out to the lake. Nicholas looks off into the distance; taking in every detail. "..."

A few minutes of silence pass, and Din finally speaks up. “This place… Is where we raised Canada. Us 2Ps, that is. Matthew was raised with the 1Ps… As it should be. But…” She gives a dry chuckle, looking down to the field below. “I keep coming back here, because so much has happened in this house… And I don’t want to forget… So I come back, I guess, to remember all the things we’ve been through.” She sighs. “I’ve been coming here a lot more often recently… When I can’t sleep, and I don’t want to bug Jackson…” She kicks her legs like some sort of child, sighing again. 

“Now’s as good a time as any, I suppose. And it just won’t leave me alone… So I guess it’s telling me to explain as well, huh?” She turns to Nicholas, giving a weak smile. “Why I care about your anorexic habits. Why I care about what someone who I don’t even know too well is doing to themselves.” She takes off her blazer, laying it on the railing beside her, and loosens her tie. 

“It’s because it’s exactly what I’ve been doing to myself as well. And I know the pain. And knowing that someone… Someone in my life is doing it to themselves too? It kinda hurts.” Her smile turns bitter, and she sighs

"Why did you do it?" Nicholas asks, his voice holding no emotion. He didn't even move his gaze. “The same reason I dyed my hair. The same reason I wear color contacts. The same reason I put on a French accent.” She stares out to the lake. “Too many years of being told I wasn’t good enough, or being compared to Nayru, or being told that I wasn’t the woman that the public wanted to have representing their province. And after a while, I began to understand what they meant. During any starving periods, I was always in much better condition than my citizens. This led to jealousy, and I was told to lay off the food. During the first century or so of my existence, when vampires were being killed left right and center, I was threatened my life more than once. And I lost it, more than once. Before I changed how I looked, I was told that I didn’t look normal enough. My eyes would scare people, and my hair was unnatural, my fangs were too visible, and I still looked to be some sort of royalty, as I was clearly eating more than most of my citizens were. I’ve always had a soft spot for food.” 

Nicholas doesn't say anything. He keeps his gaze onward to the distance and doesn't move at all. Din hops down from the railing, and instead opts to lean against it. A few minutes of silence pass. 

“Nicholas?” "Yes?" Nicholas finally says after a while of silence between the two. “I want to help you. Because I know you’re still doing it, aren’t you? If you don’t want my help, then I’ll accept that. But I want to help.” She looks over to him.

Nicholas sighs. "Many people have tried to get through to me. They failed." He finally looked at her. "Do you still believe you can help?" She folds her arms. “If I didn’t have faith in my ability to get shit done, do you think I would have offered?” She asks, tilting her head slightly. “Of course I do. And you’re my friend. I don’t care what it takes. I won’t stand by and just let this happen.” Nicholas just stares at her. "Right...." He cracks his neck slightly. “Do you believe that I can help you?” She asks, turning and looking to the room that was behind them. Nicholas sighs heavily. "I honestly don't know..." He runs a hand through his hair. 

She opens the door, and the faint smell of honey and paint fills the air. “Then I suggest you try to work on that. Belief is half the battle. Making a habit takes 2 weeks. Breaking it takes 3 days.” She pauses. “Or… Something like that. But you get the idea.” She scans the dimly lit room, her expression mildly confused as she steps in, looking along the walls until she finally finds a light switch. 

“I managed to convince Rosalie and Millicent to help me fix up part of this place a year or two ago. I mean, it was a hazard; the balcony nearly fell apart once. But it’s been reinforced, so you don’t need to worry about that.” As she speaks, she’s rummaging through one of the many boxes that line the walls. “Here we go…” She mumbles, pulling out a book. “Shane made me keep an eating log for the first few years. I hated it. I still do. Needless to say, I managed to convince him I was fine. But it is a good idea, so-“ She scribbles a note on the first page, then tosses the journal to Nicholas. 

“So we’ll start there. Shouldn’t be too hard, right?” The journal was empty, aside from what Din had written, and it was in surprisingly good condition for something she just fished out of a box. The cover was a dark, dull red, and the pages were lined. It also smelled slightly of sugar and warmth. Nicholas stares at the journal. ".... I gotta tell you, I won't eat too much. I have to at least keep up my appearance for everyone I meet up with at work." He tells her. 

“… Nicholas, do you or do you not wear a suit every day? And doesn’t that add about 3 inches to your body?” She pokes his stomach, giving him a stern look. “I’m not going to harass you about keeping up your image, not yet anyways. It’s too early for that. But keep in mind that your current state of physical well-being is not healthy. I’d guess that you’re likely underweight, if anything.” She gives a small sigh, grabbing her blazer from the railing and putting it back on. “Open it, write today’s date on the second page, and tell me: Have you eaten anything today?” She inquires, grabbing a pen from… Well, from in her hair bun, presumably, seeing as that’s where she reached before handing him the pen.

Nicholas grabs the pen and scoffs at the question. "Of course I ate. I at least eat a decent meal every now and then. Also, don't ever poke my stomach again..." He says lowly. "Who even told you all this? About my condition." Din hesitates for a moment. “About that… Ben. Ben was the one who told me about his theory, that you were doing this.” She paused for a second, thinking. “I only confirmed his suspicions.” She thinks again, biting the inside of her cheek. 

“That’s part of the reason I wanted you to /not/ try to kill him. He cares about you, or else he wouldn’t have even bothered to notice what’s been happening, don’t you think?” She doesn’t give him time to answer as she jumps back up onto the railing of the balcony, although rather than sitting on it, she stands, using no support whatsoever. “Speaking of which, I haven’t talked to him since then… I just hope he’s not mad… Our original plan was to have us both confront you.” She glances back to Nicholas, grimacing. “Obviously, that’s not what happened.” She sighs, mumbling as she sits down, swinging her legs. “… Because I’m so good at screwing up, I guess…” Again, she looks back to the Empire State. “So maybe be sure to keep your half of your promise? I told you my problems, and I was open, as per your request. So be nice to Ben at the meeting, sil vous plait.”

Nicholas groans quietly. "Fine..." He runs a hand through his hair again. "That guy... He always seems to... figure people out somehow. I'll tell you this... back then, before I became a business man... He came up to me. Told me that he knew what I was up to." He closed his eyes and sighed. "Said something about losing the flame or being burned out." Din gives a small nod. “Understanding people, and figuring things out, isn’t hard you know. It just takes practice. And patience. … And a basic understanding of how to communicate effectively.” She sighs, looking down. “Do you trust me?”

Nicholas pauses before speaking. "I don't want to be offensive, but my level of trust in you is 5/10 at least." He bluntly states. Din chuckles. “I’m not offended. I’d be worried if you trusted me fully already.” She yawns and stretches. “I only ask because I’m wondering if you’d be willing to come over for dinner tonight.” "Dinner? Tonight?" Nicholas raised an eyebrow as he took out a planner from his pocket and looked through it. "Who'll be there?" He asks, still looking at the planner. 

“It depends on whether or not Jackson and Nathaniel are both there… You know I live with Jackson, right? And Nathaniel’s staying with him right now… So it could be all four of us, or if you’d like, it could just be us two. Whichever you prefer.” She shrugs. "Yeah. I'll at least be with two people I know fully well." Nicholas nods. "I just need to adjust my schedule."  
Din just nods softly, humming. “Just how full is your schedule?” She asks, peering over to catch a glimpse. "Pretty full..." The planner had a lot of writing in it, mostly regarding meetings and whatnot. "I can make room though..." “Damn, Nicholas…” She let out a sigh of sorts. “Now, remind me: What is the position I was hired to fill? Wasn’t it to be your personal assistant?” "Yes." Nicholas tells her. 

"Oh shit! We should get going now! I can't lose my streak of being the first on at the meeting!" Din just gives him an odd look. “Lead the way, then.” "Wait... we're in Quebec... and the meeting is in Mississippi...." Nicholas gives her a look. "I can't actually do magic..." Din looks surprised at this. “You can’t? Oh… That makes sense, now that I think about it.” She gives a small smile, takes his hand, and the two disappear.


	6. E A T I N G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> look who's back with anorexia, it's your girl Din  
> tw for mention of anorexia/eating disorders

57 UNREAD MESSAGES

14 MISSED CALLS

12 NEW VOICEMAILS

24 NEW EMAILS

 

Din sighed at the statistics her phone displayed. Shane and the others seemed desperate. Desperate to reach her. Desperate to stop her from hurting herself any longer, and desperate to end this madness. It was strange, at least to Din. Why did they care? Why did they care so much? It wasn’t them getting hurt. She was the one suffering. Not them. So what was it that kept them going, that made them so desperate to stop her?

She never knew her parents. She didn’t think she even had parents. It was odd. Not having parents, that is. Not thinking you have parents is pretty common, among personifications. Most of them were children of necessity, not of other personifications.

The grass was green, lush, and well-kept. Whoever did the gardening here obviously took great pride in keeping it well-maintained.

Din was never one for gardening. That was Melissa’s thing, really. Melissa taught Matt everything he knows about gardening, about plants, trees, and everything.

There was a gentle breeze, that Din found very atmospheric. It fit the moment, to her. The moment of nostalgia, in which she was lost in her memories.

Her phone started to ring, ruining the moment.

“What the fuck do you want?!” She snapped, answering. 

A timid voice spoke, too quiet for Din to hear, but she didn’t recognize it. 

It wasn’t Rosalie, the quietest of the provinces. Din now felt bad for snapping.

“Desole… Sorry, who-who, might I ask, is calling?”

“I-I- my- I’m- It's Talia- I just, I was just wondering- This is Din, right? Eldin?”

Din stayed silent for a moment. “Yeah. Talia? Tal, jeez, it’s been forever-“

“Your-Shane asked me to call you…”

Din’s grip on the phone tightened.

“Is that so?”

“Din, I- Listen, he told me what you’re doing, and I-“

“Fuck off, Tal. I thought you were calling to catch up, not to be Shane’s errand girl.” Din snarls, hanging up. 

She threw her phone out, out, out, into the grassy field. It sailed farther than she’d have expected.

It flew over the grassy terrain,

over small ponds,

over the muddy patches,

and right into the lake.

“Shit.” Din muttered, sighing and laying back, furrowing her eyebrows. She hadn’t meant it to go that far.

“I never thought that it would go this far…” She mumbled, draping a hand over her stomach. Her ribcage could be felt easily. She had no body fat to keep her warm.  
And she was alone.

 

‘And you are paranoid… How they perceive you…’


	7. p l e a s e

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw for eating disorders, mention of suicide, mention of self harm, mention of scars  
> din is still hurting but now i'm projecting harder than ever before oh god  
> neither of us are okay  
> also the formatting wasn't letting me add extra paragraph spacing??? so i'm sorry it's all so close together but even editing it won't work

I wanna heal  
I wanna feel  
What I thought was never real  
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long  
(erase all the pain ‘til it’s gone)  
Smiling. Smiling. Lips twitch. Still smiling. I can’t stop, or they’ll know- they’ll realize something’s wrong with me. I can’t have that. I feel guilty lying- I can’t have them worry. Not again. Not again. No, I’m not hungry. I ate a few cookies before I came, and man, those fill you up. Yeah. I’m cold. I promise, I ate before I came. Always cold. Nah, you don’t wanna touch me. Like I said. I’m cold. That’s why I wear pants. Long sleeves. Sometimes a scarf. Cold. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Cliché, maybe. It works though.  
I wanna heal  
I wanna feel  
Like I’m close to something real  
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along:  
Somewhere I belong  
My fingers won’t stop moving. Anxiously, fidgeting, tugging at my sleeves. Making sure they’re down. The scars. Can’t show, can’t let them see, can’t let anyone see them. They feel odd when I touch my arm. But it’s alright. The scars haven’t healed over many lifetimes. They’re not going anywhere. I take solace in knowing that they’ll always be there. To remind me. Remind me what I am. Worthless. A failure. It’s fine. I’m fine. I think.  
I will never know myself until I do this on my own  
I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed  
I will never be anything ‘til I break away from me  
I will break away  
I’ll find myself today  
Now I’m actually cold. I’m so used to wearing long clothes. Covering up. That it’s not enough. I need more. My bones ache, my skin is ice. My lips are cracking. I need something. Warmth. I haven’t felt warmth in so long. So long… It’s been so long since I’ve felt loved. No. That’s not true. I feel loved. I can’t accept it, though. That’s my problem. I’m my own biggest problem.  
I wanna heal  
I wanna feel  
What I thought was never real  
I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long  
(Erase all the pain 'til it's gone)  
I cry. Quietly. Tears are salty. I lick them by accident. I let them into my mouth only because of the quiet sobs I give. Nobody notices. Nobody is here to notice. I blame myself. I blame the world. The world. The world in which I am an outcast. The world in which I am not an acceptable member of society until I’ve changed.  
I wanna heal  
I wanna feel  
Like I'm close to something real  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along  
Somewhere I belong  
I do want to get better. Not all the time. Sometimes. Sometimes I feel bad for making others worry. And I want to get better to help them not stress. I want to get better because feeling this way. It hurts. I hurt. So much. So often. It feels so bad. I’m numb to it, though. Is that okay? Am I okay? No. Will I be okay?  
…  
Will I be okay?  
…  
…  
…  
I don’t know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @a-big-gay-heathen on tumblr, i post writing on there too so go check it out please. i'm lonely. kudos and comments are very appreciated.


	8. Fine, Great (another songfic chapter)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i uploaded this to Sad Irony but it's got ya girl Din in it!! so i'm putting it here too!!  
> Din, Kellie, Crystal - Mine  
> Knox, Vincent, Aiden - Arctic's  
> tw for implied self-harm, fear of abandonment, swearing  
> the song is Fine, Great by Modern Baseball (but I had the Emma Marie cover in mind, I like it better than the original)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmR7_miX5pE <<< the Emma Marie cover

I hate worrying about the future  
'Cause all my current problems are based around the past  
And I hate when you call me late at night  
Just to check in to make sure I got nothing to be sad about

Din laughs warmly, her cheeks glowing lightly from the cold. The snow fell gently around her, but Din didn’t mind. She was glad it wasn’t hot, honestly. She held her phone in her hand, talking to her good friend, Knox. He was a great listener, and always there to reassure her or give advice when she needed it.  
She had been having trouble sleeping, and it was almost like Knox knew… Because despite it being 3AM in Nebraska, he still called her. He wanted to check up on her, and he wasn’t afraid to say it. He was surprisingly confident over the phone- probably because he worked in a call center.  
“I’m okay, Knox, I promise. I don’t know why you’re awake, though.”  
“I could… I could almost feel you having trouble sleeping. You said… You said you have insomnia and frequent nightmares that prompt panic attacks, so I… I thought I’d check on you. Call it what you will. I think it’s a special sixth sense. My ‘Din sense’.”  
Din’s laughter rung throughout the neighborhood, and a real smile came to her face. “Knox, oh my God. You’re the cutest thing, yknow that?”  
“… So was I right, then? Were you having trouble sleeping again?”

But it's all right, and I'm okay  
I won't need your help, anyway  
Ah, well, I hate having to think about my future  
When all I wanna do is worry about everyone but me

Din didn’t say anything. She was quiet for a remarkable time- so long that Knox actually had to lift his phone from his ear to make sure she was still on the line. Her breaths became shallow, and eventually, she forced a quiet ‘yeah’.  
“Din…”  
“It’s not-it’s not a big deal I mean I don’t know why you care so much I’ve been suffering like this for so long and it’s not like you can do anything about it-“ Din rambles, speaking much faster than normal before being cut off by Knox.  
“I care because you’re my friend, Din.” He says sweetly, and tears spring to Din’s eyes.  
“… I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Knox. I’ve gotta go to work in an hour or two.”  
“Wh- 5AM is when you start?”  
“Yeah.” Din lies, looking down. Grateful she wasn’t talking to him face-to-face, or he’d have seen right through her as he usually does.  
“… Okay, well… Try to get some sleep? Please. If not for yourself, then for me.” Knox pleads, silent desperation filling his request. Din sighs softly.  
“Okay. I will. I’ll try.” She agrees reluctantly, feeling bad for causing the Nebraskan so much worry. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”  
“Goodnight.”  
“Love you.”  
“Love you too.”

I'm so tired or maybe just bored  
I can't really tell the difference whenever I'm talking to you  
And I know that you just adore  
Starting off with me, that way that there's no way that I'll assume

Kellie frowned into her cereal, poking angrily at it. Aiden sat across the table from her, being concerned for her. Silence was the only thing that filled the household- Vincent was talking with Crystal, but they were in their room so they were quiet. Dylan was out, and Emma was in her room or something.  
“Kellie?”  
“What?” Kellie snaps, looking up at her brother. He wasn’t eating- it was noon, so he’d already had breakfast. He was just waiting for her to open up, and talk to him.  
“I… I’m worried about you…”  
“Don’t be.” She says coldly, standing and dumping what remains of her breakfast. “Mummy and Daddy aren’t, so why should you be?”  
“You go into your room for the night at 7, go to sleep around 3AM, wake up around noon, and don’t talk to anyone about what you’re doing.”  
“Why should I? Nobody cares, Aiden. Face it. We live in one of the most broken families in the world. Nobody gives a shit.” She snarls, and Aiden flinches but stays quiet as he looks at his hands.  
“… I care…”  
“Wow, the most useless member of our family cares about me. What joyous news.” Kellie remarks, sarcasm dripping from every word. She begins to leave the kitchen.  
“… They don’t know that you hurt yourself, do they?”  
Kellie stops in her tracks.

That you're wasting all of my time  
To vent about your problems like how your Instagram stopped working  
And how your friends bailed on you  
But it was funny cause it was the day you were supposed to hang with me

Aiden stands up, frowning as he looks to his sister. “They don’t, do they? Kellie, I’m not stupid. None of us are, but I think I’m the only one who’s noticed.”  
“I- Good for you. So you know. What the fuck are you gonna do about it, Aiden? You’re the good child, so what, you’re gonna tell on me?”  
“No. I know that won’t help anyone. I know Mama will just berate you for doing something so self-destructive. No, I want to help you, Kellie. I want to know why you’re hurting yourself. What happened?”  
“What happened? God, Aiden. Everything. We’ve got shit parents who don’t know what they’re doing, and all 3 of my siblings hate me. Just because I can’t live up to my physical state of being, mentally. It’s not my fault I can’t use the same logic and reasoning as you all! I- I wasn’t ready to grow up! I’m sorry I act like a child, and I’m sorry I act spoilt sometimes, and I’m sorry I hate everyone but what you give is what you get, right?! I’m just giving what I get, Aiden.” Kellie yells, beginning to cry.  
“No, Kellie…” Aiden shakes his head, sighing. “No, you just don’t try to befriend any of us. You isolate yourself from the family just as much as Emma does.”  
“Rich, coming from you.” Kellie snaps, and Aiden sighs again.  
“Just… Please… Stop hurting yourself, okay?”  
“…”  
“Kellie-“  
“Fine.”

I'm guilty as charged for leading you on  
A lie that I know is easy to see  
But it's crucial to blot out any  
Signs that I might have feelings

Din frowned as Ben and Nicholas continued with their petty arguing. Another state meeting had come and was supposed to be done in 20 minutes, but with the fact that Grace wasn’t present, Din figured that nobody would be able to stop the two rival states. Aside from the small frown etched into her features, her face was blank as she was lost in thoughts.  
“… Din… Okay…? Din- Din, are you okay?” Knox’s voice broke through Din’s deep thoughts, and she snapped her head up to look at him. He looked concerned, and seeing her face did nothing to ease his worries. “… You didn’t sleep last night, did you?” He asks sternly, furrowing his eyebrows.  
“Well… No…”  
Knox sighs softly, shaking his head as he takes a chair next to the Quebecois woman. “What’s bothering you?”  
Din shook her head, refusing to tell Knox what was on her mind. He’d find it idiotic, she thought as she stayed silent, He’d think I was weird, I know he would.  
“Din, please…?”  
“… I’ll… I just… I hate being around Ben and Nic when they fight. It’s so aggravating.” She admits hesitantly. It wasn’t what was actually bothering her, but it was a decent substitute, she figured. Knox seemed to understand, nodding softly.  
“Do you want to go out for a minute? You look… You look like you’re having difficulty breathing comfortably…” He points out, and Din only just then realized how stagnant, short, and forced her breaths were becoming.  
“Yeah… That’d be nice, thanks.”

This way you don't ask me how am I  
This way you won't force me to proceed  
With actually having to tell you my worries  
With actually having you give a damn about me

“Now, what’s really bugging you?” Knox asks Din once they’re outside the meeting room. Din sighs softly.  
“I don’t know. I just… I feel so bad… For lying to everyone… But I know I have to, you know? I have to because otherwise… It’s just so much worse… Having everyone actually care about me…”  
“Din…”  
“No, Knox, it’s-“  
“No, listen to me. We care because you’re our friend, and seeing a friend suffer… It hurts. You don’t like watching Nicholas hurt himself, right?”  
“… Right…”  
“And the way you feel when he won’t listen, or when he doesn’t accept your help…”  
“It sucks.”  
“Exactly. That’s how we feel about you.”  
“…”  
Din stares blankly at the wall, and the arguing from in the meeting room dies down relatively fast.  
“… Are you ready to go back in? Do you want me to ask Nicholas if you can take the day off?”  
“No… I’m fine. Thank you.” Din gives Knox a warm smile, and he nods back, offering a small smile in return.

You giving a damn about-  
I hate worrying about the future  
'Cause all my fucking problems are based around the past  
And I hate when you call me late at night

Crystal was silent, which was never a good thing. Vincent had just confided in her that he was worried about her, yet again, and now she wasn’t talking. Vincent, ever the caring husband, had decided he would go downstairs, make some tea, and then come back to check on her. Crystal was still somewhat comatose, but eventually she gave a heavy sigh.  
Vincent tapped the door with his foot, as he was holding two mugs- one in each hand-, and Crystal gave a soft hum as she stood and opened the door for him.  
“Aw, thanks Vincent.” She took her mug from him, and he gave a small nod.  
“Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you now?”  
Crystal frowned, sitting back on her bed and taking a sip of her tea, thoughtful.  
“I mean, I’d… I’d like to, but you would think it’s stupid.”  
“Maybe, but I can still help you and reassure you that your fears are irrational if it is stupid.” He points out as he sits next to her, prompting a chuckle from the European woman.  
“… I just… I can’t help but wonder, yknow, about what… What could have happened, I guess. So much has happened… What would happen if we never met… What would happen if you never owned up to actually being the kids’ father… What would happen if the kids never went after you that day…” She trails off, but picks back up on the toughest subject of all.  
“What would have happened if you had left us…”

Just to check in to make sure I got nothing to be sad about  
But it's alright, and I'm okay  
I won't need your help, anyway  
Ah, well  
I hate having to think about my future  
When all I wanna do is worry about everyone but me

“Crystal…”  
“No, no, like I said, it’s stupid. I know I can’t change anything and I’m really glad you’re here right now and I’m so, so incredibly happy that you didn’t leave, but I-“  
“Crystal.”  
“What?”  
“I love you.”  
Crystal stayed silent, putting her mug onto her bedside table and shifting to face Vincent.  
“… I know…”  
“I love you a lot. I would never want to hurt you, and I feel… I feel terrible for nearly leaving that day.”  
“I know you do. I’m sorry-“  
“Ah. Shush. I feel terrible… But I’m almost glad it happened. You managed to help me through my fears of disappointing everyone, and now I want to help you with this. I want us to be better, like you said.”  
Crystal’s eyes became slightly glossy with tears, and she nodded stiffly. Vincent held out his arms, and Crystal dove into them, hugging him tightly.  
“I won’t leave, I promise. I promise, I’ll try my best, and I’ll listen to your advice, and I’ll never scare you like that again.”  
“… Thank you…”  
“I love you.”  
“I love you too.”


End file.
